Why Vampires Prefer Fossil Fuels Over Solar
At the center of the universe is the fiery sphere we call the sun. It’s the Earth’s most important source of energy and responsible for sustaining life as we know it – unless, of course, you are a vampire. While the sun is a human’s best friend – that’s not the case when it comes to vampires. Legend has it that vampires are former humans who were unlucky enough to become infected with a virus that turned them into what the Federal Vampire and Zombie Agency (FVZA) describes as “a horrific metamorphosis that defiles both mind and body.”
While most of us prefer to think of vampires as living only in the movies, they have quite a colorful history. True or not, this is the perfect time of year to take a closer (but not too close) look at the undead. Here’s some of what we found:
The human vampirism virus (HVV)
Legend has it that the original host of the HVV was a flea that liked to make its home among cave-dwelling bats. Unlike most viruses, which attack specific areas of the body, HVV affects it all. The only thing it doesn’t kill are red blood cells, which regenerate from infected bone marrow. The virus is thought to be passed on via a bite from an infected human or animal.
In less than a day’s time, an infected human will develop flu-like symptoms before falling into a deep coma. While some victims will never wake, those that do emerge fully transformed with an overwhelming craving for human blood.
The need to feed
If you’ve ever gone without food and water for much longer than you’d like, you’re familiar with the hunger pangs and all-encompassing need for nourishment. Imagine that feeling one thousand times worse and you’ll have a good idea of a vampire’s craving upon waking from its coma. Vampires typically hunt in packs of four led by one Alpha, usually a male.
Hello darkness my old friend
What do holy water, garlic, and the sun’s rays have in common? Vampires hate them all – especially sunlight as it renders them blind. The FVZA says that natural light causes neural pathways to fire randomly in the brain of a vampire, creating an extreme epileptic reaction. Plus, the pain we experience when we spend a little too much time on the beach, is nothing compared to the burn a vampire feels. That’s because their skin is highly sensitive to UV rays, becoming badly burned and blistered within mere minutes of exposure.
The usual suspects
Nearly 80% of all vampires are males between the ages of 18 and 35. The other 20% of the population is comprised of females ages 15-35 and a few of both sexes that are a bit older. The FVZA estimates that there are roughly 5,000 vampires in existence – many in dormancy, waiting to reemerge at a more hospitable time when they are no longer hunted. No one know when, but Halloween night is as good a time as any. To be safe, you may want to trick or treat in the daylight this year. The all-powerful sun will protect you from harm. Happy Halloween!
Hire a sunlight specialist near you
If you want to strengthen your connection to the sun (just in case), the experts at TerraSol Energies, Inc. can help. We will answer all of your questions and design a solar energy system that works 24-7 and is 100% vampire free. Contact us today – online or by phone at 888.873.9995.